I sobbed in my bathroom so many nights thinking my life was meaningless. This was after years following New Age ideology, I blame it.
Although New Age jargon on the surface speaks of love, passion, and hope, it promises too many things that if you don’t get, you’re to blame for not doing “it” right. ​

I was pretty much all in. This was a huge part of my identity, my spiritual quest. I was the one in the family that was “into all those things” searching so hard for answers while everyone else seemed to be all good. When I was younger; intuitives and psychics told me I was a lightworker, a healer, and I would some day be a channeler of spirits, I knew I had to keep going. This was my destiny, I was one of the special ones. ​

I always wanted to be a Psychic-medium Channeler, but I didn’t have the gift. I watched mediums on television, read their books and believed in the worlds they described and their words. I was jealous. These people were special, and had the best gift of all: knowledge- spiritual knowledge. Knowing the truth, knowing the future, being able to tap into the beyond. ​

Before 2020, I would love to throw a line in my dating app profile “love conspiracy theories” to let the person know that I am into all that “stuff” like aliens, big foot, time travel. Just really fun stuff to wonder “what if…?” 
But now conspiracy theories are on a whole ‘nother level, and I am slowly backing away (insert YIKES emoji face) from people diving deep into them. ​

I didn’t realize things were trends when I was becoming interested in them.
As I continuously looked outside of myself for answers about myself, this journey led me to a woman who offered sessions telling clients about their soul portraits (their home planet, gifts, purpose, challenges in this life). I starved for information about WHO AM I? WHERE AM I FROM? WHY AM I HERE? In typical Jessica fashion, I read a sentence or 2 on her website, then quickly booked a session (and it was pricey). I needed answers NOW. ​

This is a bit of a continuation from my blog on My First Night on Ayahuasca. Some of the people I met at The Aya Retreat I went to seemed to have some spectacular experiences on the medicine there. Some felt only love, others talked to large preying mantises, and some felt cured of alignments like anxiety. ​

I kneeled before an Ayhauscero on a Monday night in Guanacaste, Costa Rica.
It was a warm night.
I love warm nights with a hint of humidity and a moon so bright and big it’s almost a dream.
I had just waited behind a line of people who have all carefully picked out what mattress they would call home for the night to kneel in front of a man who was about to blow rapee’ (raap-eh) up my nose. ​