Spiritually Disenchanted. How did I get here?

I was pretty much all in. This was a huge part of my identity, my spiritual quest. I was the one in the family that was “into all those things” searching so hard for answers while everyone else seemed to be all good. When I was younger; intuitives and psychics told me I was a lightworker, a healer, and I would some day be a channeler of spirits, I knew I had to keep going. This was my destiny, I was one of the special ones. ​

All my spiritual coaches/ intuitive teachers, bless them, have told me that I have all these amazing gifts, my last coach saying that its even odd that our roles weren’t reversed because she can sense that I am even more psychic than she- BUT WHY TF don’t I feel like I am? I just don’t get it. (“Jess you want it too bad, just relax and forget about it, it will come”- if one more person says that BS line to me… Do you know how frustrating and not helpful that is? Now you do.)

Now I will lightly touch on some of the occurrences that led into my disillusionment: 2018-2019

To my dismay, I am not Special.
All of a sudden, everyone was “special” everyone was a Reiki Master, many people were light workers, everyone was pulling psychic cards and giving readings. And if you were into the new-age spiritual stuff- you were told you were a healer, and maybe something is wrong with your thyroid, and you’re meant to do something great. Wait? Everyone else got this same message too? Hmmm

The Bitches with Gongs
In late 2018 I teamed up with 2 women who did sounds baths- and I went around to participants and gave Reiki. This was a heartfelt genuine thing for me, really to meet more people in the community. But as months went on, these 2 women would make fun of certain people coming, be rude to each other, and then in the end were terribly rude to me. I was shocked to meet such grown women who were “spiritual” yet only talked about how bad all other sound baths were, made fun of client's instagram accounts, and after I had done all the work promoting our events- we had sold out gatherings each month since I started with them- they told me that “no one likes you Jess- people don’t want to come back because of you”. I had never met such cruel people in my adult life- and again- they are” lighworkers.”

The Reiki master Meth-addict
In the spiritual classes I attended I met a man who quickly became infatuated with me, as a narcissist;  I was his next target. He was a "healed man", he had gotten over his addictions to drugs and found the light. Spiritual classes helped him greatly and he was beyond a Reiki Master. He loved crystals, and magic, and he was even building a business to help other addicts, using the word “Ajna” (third eye) in his business name. Long story short, he was still using Meth, lying to people and using manipulations to prey on spiritual people. Just because someone does Reiki, doesn’t mean they themselves are healed. I became further disillusioned with Reiki after this. Check out my blog on Reiki, and how it's akin to MLM schemes here. 

A Magic Spell gave me Followers 
I had a friend from my spiritual class that started a hosting a circle of 4-6 us weekly to practice our skills, she also wanted to practice leading a group. We recently just had a circle where she taught us candle magic. I honestly wasn’t thrilled with her teaching skills for that particular night, but I was trying to be a friend and support her. 
She was a bit older and not really on social media. I noticed she had a personal instagram account with maybe 100 or less followers, and then she made a business one. Within 2 weeks her business account had almost 5000 followers, and upon looking at them they were all bots. I realized that maybe she had paid for followers, so I DM’ed her and asked her what her secret was? How was she getting so many followers so quickly? (my plan was then to tell her that instagram can boot you off for buying followers and it probably wasn’t a good idea, I figured she just didn’t know any better.) To my dismay, she replied “I did a magic spell to get more followers”. I was shocked. Although I had no hard evidence, I knew this was a lie. Not only did she lie, but it was a lie to say “look how powerful my magic is” I called her out on lying, and she said I was an awful person. I haven’t talked to anyone from my spiritual classes since.
I was so disgusted and becoming more and more disenchanted with everyone in the spiritual community.

The Retreat for Lightworkers
Yet another example (like the Meth- addict Reiki Master) of a “healed” person from drugs and a bad life; there is a man who owns a retreat center claiming to be a lightworker, when all he wants is money. I fear for people's mental health after leaving the retreat. I found holes in stories that I believe are lies. Not to mention all the spiritual influencers supporting them without question so they get LIKES. This Lightworker community that runs it also threatens and sues anyone who says anything other than a rave review. I am disgusted and this put the nail in the coffin with all this spiritual bullshit.

Ayahuasca
Wasn’t life changing for me. Maybe it’s because of where I went, maybe it wasn’t even Ayahuasca. It was terrifying. Yage’ brew just felt like it was poison to my body and many others. And an Aya brew felt like a deep meditation. (see my posts on Ayahuasca here)
I didn’t talk to Jesus or an alien that looked like a preying mantisse. ( I know what you’re thinking, Jess don’t have expectations) Whatever, my opinion as of now is that psychedelics aren’t needed for a spiritual experience.

2020
Spiritual Friends on Facebook posting fearful subjects “to stockpile food” and sharing news reels from OAN, light workers “channeling” aliens saying Trump is the savior, Spiritual Comedians turning into gun-totting far right propagandists. Shall I go on? If this is now the new-age spiritual community- I want out! 

What Now
I think I am done with “new age” spirituality as it has been presented. Don’t buy me tarot decks, don’t send me hay house books. I literally cannot stand the word “lightworker”, don’t tell me how to manifest by “not thinking about it”.

What helped to get me out of all this was listening to skeptics, and I found the perfect ones. They are skeptics that are kind of open to things, and genuinely interested in learning about different Spiritual modalities, however they believe in science, and not harming peoples physical and mental health. Check them out on the OH NO ROSS AND CARRIE PODCAST.

I’m not sure what leaving a cult feels like. But I wonder if it feels similar to how I feel now. I get upset some nights wondering who I will be without all of this. I feel lied to by Hay House books, I feel stupid, I feel fooled. I wonder why my parents didn’t teach me to be more skeptical. I’m sad about time wasted. It was a big part of me and I have nothing else. 
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I guess it's time to create the new me.