I often think about my Spiritual Teacher/ Life Coach that I worked with for over year, sometimes having sessions multiple times a week, but at least twice a month. I was referred to her by a “friend”. And at that moment in time, I thought any suggestion to me to do something, especially spiritual, was a “sign” that I should.
My purpose in any of my spiritual endeavors was to finally get clear information from my guides, leading to clear information on what I should do with my life. I was always terrified I was on the wrong path.
I loved working with this coach because she always gently led me into finding my own answers, opposed to giving me her own “psychic” suggestions.
In late 2020, I fizzled out the sessions. Never telling her exactly why, did I have to? I have an urge to tell her, and don’t know why. Or maybe I do.
I feel like I need to say sorry for leaving when you thought we had more work to do, and I don’t know why I feel sorry. When we started working together, I described our work as the best spiritual work I have done in my life. I had some amazing meditative ‘trips’ that felt important and real and more than ayahuasca had given me. I thought I felt good after our sessions, and that I could finally connect to “the other side”. But for some reason, while not in session with you, I couldn’t get to that same meditative place. I struggled with the “homework” and I felt myself going into the same dark hole of “not being gifted enough” to connect.
I do so many practices and have worked with so many people like you to help sharpen my intuition. So when it was pinging me that something was off- maybe I finally listened. It was a moment when I was struggling to see something in my third eye and you let me know “it will feel like your imagination”. And all of our sessions were just that. My imagination. I would picture my now-self caring for my younger selves, picture magical gardens, and angels… and it was nice. It was calming and probably helpful in the moment. But it’s not REAL. Not in the sense that New Age teachers tell you it is. That all those things are real --happening in another space/ time or past life. That I could get real answers from talking to or interacting with imaginary people in my head or my younger selves…. it’s all not real.
I started to find myself dreading our calls. Feeling like I HAD to see a vision of something, and come up with answers to my own questions. That you had to drag the answers out of me. Things that I couldn’t prove were actually correct. All the while my brain whirled about wondering if I was making it all up.
And it still perplexes me that what I thought was my best spiritual work, turned out to be the straw that broke the camels back—the realization that all this stuff is just made up.
I also regarded you as better than me, more gifted since you somehow knew things about me, or how to work with me that I didn’t know. But my intuition came in again when you said you were updating your training with 2 individuals, and upon looking into their work- it didn’t jive with me. I somehow thought you were your own wise self with a “knowing”, receiving clarity from spirit, but seeing that you were taking training from these 2 separate individuals dimmed that sparkle I thought you had.
I just got increasingly turned off from the work.
I was especially annoyed when some sessions seemed like it was the same ol’ manifesting BS. “Just imagine your perfect xxx” I thought you and I were beyond that. I already knew that didn’t work for me. I knew I was just done.
After stopping our work, I just stopped everything. Trying to sit in meditation “Connecting” to spirit. Worrying that I was failing or just not getting it. I just stopped. And I noticed I stopped crying weekly thinking I wasn’t good enough or my life was for nothing. I feel so much better after just letting all that go. I don’t think about our work or sessions at all. I barely remember them. Maybe my life wasn’t bad at all, and I was just upset that I couldn’t be this thing, this person, that’s actually not real.
I don’t know why I want to reach out to you.
Partially because I want to say- hey, get out of this spiritual stuff.
And also, you really didn’t do anything wrong, you’re just deep in it too.