My Best Ayahuasca Experience, and Why I probably won’t take it again.

This is a bit of a continuation from my blog on My First Night on Ayahuasca. Some of the people I met at The Aya Retreat I went to seemed to have some spectacular experiences on the medicine there. Some felt only love, others talked to large preying mantises, and some felt cured of alignments like anxiety. ​

They push getting “your miracle” at this specific Ayahuasca Center (which in hindsight is dangerous and awful), and on my second trip there, night 3 on Ayahuasca I claimed to have gotten my miracle. However, it was really just the only good night I had on the medicine. So that must be a miracle, right?
It’s hard to explain all of this, because sometimes the toughest nights on the medicine, might actually be the thing that was “best for you”. However in order for me to have gotten my “miracle” AKA get the thing I was looking for from the medicine/ reason for going to “the retreat center”, something specific had to occur, and it couldn’t feel like demon.


Although you should drop all expectations, it was hard not have them. The owner had an origin story of the moon speaking to him and it felt so real and amazing. All I wanted was clear and direct answers from spirit, and his story made that a possibility in my mind. It now seemed possible that you could be shot into another space and time and have the Divine clearly tell you the next steps on your path. For him that was the moon saying he should make a resort to help others. (although I now sadly don’t believe his story at all, and I believe he is scamming people).
I took Ayahuasca (in hindsight, being very uneducated about it) only receiving education from The Retreat Center and the “documentaries” on Gaia, which I later realized weren’t documentaries at all, they were marketing made by the center.


Oddly enough my best night on the medicine was in the same place I had my worst night. I had chosen the same bed location and felt uneasy about that from the start. It was the medicine facilitator’s Sara’s night (and I thanked her afterward for the amazing experience). The night started just like my very first experience, a colorful visual array of images that started looping into a never ending nightmare. It felt like the demon from my first experience was entering once again. Was this the Mother Ayahuasca? Was it dark energy that leaked into the space? Was it poor intentions by a shaman or a poor brew? I didn’t know and I didn’t care in that moment. All I knew was I was not going to let this happen again.


It's said that when a dark entity comes near, you need to very sternly, with conviction, demand that it leave. Whether it was something dark, or energies within me that needed to be cleared, I screamed in my head that its not welcome in my body and energy. I screamed and screamed and purged and purged. Thankfully a helper, Mary, came over with her Cigar medicine, that I was not happy about. She blew smoke in my face and I was disgusted. How dare she? But, upon reflection, was it I that was disgusted? Or the dark energy because the tobacco medicine was forcing it out? I purged more; Mary came back and blew the smoke in my face once again. This time, it didn’t bother me at all, actually it was quite the opposite. I took it in with joy, it was medicine. My eyes were closed this whole time, and within them purple building blocks shifted and moved, faded. With a sigh I laid back down in peace for the first time on the medicine.
My whole body was light in weight and vibrating. I was being told that spirit was helping me almost “boost” my light, expand my vibration, so that those who needed me in the world would find me. That took some time and I was instructed to continue breathing deeply. (This was opposite of my first night on Aya, where something was telling me to stop breathing. It leads me to believe even moreso that a dark spirit had infiltrated my experience that first night). There was moment where I saw all the colors of the chakra system. And in another moment I was asked to receive a gift. That gift was a small white dragon that was birthed from an egg in front of me. I was instructed to bond with it heart to heart, pressing each other. I was overjoyed with this “gift” this spirit was my other half. After that I felt a divine spirit by me, whispering in my ear, and later holding open a book in front me, as if to transfer all its knowledge into me. The sense of vibrating was present the whole time. I was then woken by something hitting me in the face, it felt like a large bug. And it was over.


It was lovely, it was peaceful, it felt exactly like when I go into a deep journey meditation. And that’s the main reason I don’t feel the need to do it again. I was hoping on Ayahuasca I would be face to face and see Divine spirit guides as if it were you and I sitting in the same room speaking. Or as clearly as I saw all those psychedelic colors swirling about. The experience still felt light and airy, like when I meditate. It felt like it was in my minds eye, not my “real sight”, like I had hoped. And everything was a little vague, just like in my own personal meditations. I felt like I had my vibration raised, but for what? I wanted to KNOW (and I tried asking). And I felt like there was a guide giving me information, but it wasn’t clear what it was. I guess I was hoping it would seem more “real” with the medicine.


Therefore, the reason I don’t need to do the medicine again, is because I already do deep journeying through meditation where I get the same results.


I believe in the medicine itself, that it can and does heal some people.. However, since a lot of the experience has to do with both the intentions of the person brewing it and your own intentions, I ask that you proceed with caution and look into who is actually brewing this? Where is it being stored? Sure people are flawed, you may never find a perfect person to deliver the medicine, but do we as humans, right now at this time, need the medicine? Is it a tool that is meant for the 2020 humans? Or is it now just being abused and used to gain power and money? Even darker, is it being used to control and tether souls? Are we possibly supposed to evolve and develop our psychic senses and personal healing without plant medicine? These are just questions arising from my own awakenings, and may just apply to myself.
I posed a lot of questions in my in another blog about the retreat center, they were questions to start opening your mind to possible other truths, but a lot of triggered people saw it as a possible criticism on the spirit of the medicine, which was not the intention. Some triggered people made comments that if things on the outside bother us, we should look within. And that’s what I did for almost 2 years after visiting the resort. I felt all the feels, went deep within and this is now what I need to do. Write out my truths, maybe inspire some, trigger others and continue to awaken myself. A lot of my posts will seem like I am calling out people or things, questioning things that have been around for 5-20 years that most are calling their truth or their bible…  some call it negative, I call it awakened.