I sobbed in my bathroom so many nights thinking my life was meaningless. This was after years following New Age ideology, I blame it.
Although New Age jargon on the surface speaks of love, passion, and hope, it promises too many things that if you don’t get, you’re to blame for not doing “it” right.
There is a story of a Plant Medicine Retreat that’s slogan says about 93.26% of people get their miracle. I liken this to all things new age. “You can manifest it”, “You create your life”, “everyone is psychic”, “you have all the answers”. If you read enough books, memes, and quotes from authors and influencers, it seems so easy and you want to have your dream life too. You can create it, everyone else does… 93% of people get their miracle. Look at all these people that are doing their passion. But what happens when you’re so pumped with hope, that doing these things will get you to that miracle but it “failed”. You didn’t get your miracle. The story goes that one woman came home from that resort and killed herself because she did not get her miracle.
I wonder how many other deaths there have been. People pushing themselves to their limit. To death for an idea, or a hope of changing their life through spiritual ideas. I’m thinking about James Arthur Ray and the sweat lodge deaths, the former Heaven’s Gates Members that killed themselves after the mass suicide, and Conception Garcia (see comments section on this blog)
Weekly I would cry each night because I didn’t know what my life purpose was. Because once you find it, everything will make sense. Other’s seemed to have “manifested' their partners, families, and Soul Coaching business- their purpose… and nothing was happening for me.
I felt the pressure to “do what I love”- a recent post by a therapist describing the feeling perfectly, “Believing that life isn’t complete until you find that “one thing” you were meant to do” “feeling like a failure if you’re not in a career you love”. Although I like my job, I felt like I wasn’t contributing to betterment of humanity in it, it wasn’t spiritual enough, it doesn’t help others, it adds to materialism. I felt I made a huge mistake in my life path going into this career after diving deeper in spirituality. I became depressed and miserable in my job.
That leads me to the fact that I have been almost shaming myself for anything materialistic. Often, like a cult, in new age texts you want to ascend, and not have a need for stupid earthly things. My style became very basic, and I really tried to eat and buy (in my perspective) the bare minimum. I lost so much lust and passion for having fun dressing and accessorizing myself (I work in fashion). I was losing my luster for life.
The word “authentic” is being thrown around so much. I still use it. To describe a feeling of truth. But when thinking about myself as authentic- I didn’t know what that meant. Who am I authentically? I certainly have many different personalities for different people and situations, and honestly I kind of like that. You play different roles in life. But learning about spiritual authenticity, seemed like I always had to be ONE person.. myself.. which version of me was the real one? And does authentic even mean something human? Or is your authenticity who your soul is? Who is my soul? How should I be acting? Who of my many characters am I really ? This all put me into a spiral as I looked outside of myself for answers, but still never felt complete with it. My depression hampered on.
After 20 years reading all that is New Age / self help / Spiritual coaches — why was I still sobbing almost nightly? Things seemed to almost be getting worse. I was more lost than ever. I was a failure at manifesting, I never became a Medium, and no matter how much prayed I couldn’t hear messages from my spirit guides. I failed at everything. On top of that, I never got the human things I wanted, a loving partner, kids, a family, a huge group of friends. … I am failing at life. I now wonder if my passion for New Age spirituality held me back from the earthly things I wanted, because I concentrated so much on the woo woo- I never found the things that would bring true happiness and purpose to my life.
It never dawned on me that maybe most of this stuff is bullshit. Maybe it’s meant to keep people trapped, spinning on a plateau, never delivering its promise of “ascending once you..” To keep you in confusion and always having to do just little bit more- maybe everyone that is into the new-age are really the “sheep” ... of Hay House and the Gaia network (to name a few).
Now that the rainbow fog is clearing and I am backing away from this ideology, I haven’t had a sobbing fit over “hating my life and not knowing my purpose” in a while. I feel like I am actually taking back some sort of power or sense of self. I feel more whole again, and excited that I don’t have invisible rules put on me. I don’t feel pressure of the “homework” or meditating and asking my guides to show themselves. I remember hearing that you need to specifically ask your guides for help, they won't interfere if not asked, but I never knew how to talk to them, and wtf is their purpose if you need to learn how to rise to their vibration to talk to them and then figure out how to hear from them? what?? IF I have guides- I’ll just say it now- feel free to bust on over and help a girl out when you see fit.
I am feeling so much better now. I don’t feel like I am not understood, “just too different”, and failing at all things in life. I don’t feel as depressed about all those things- although sometimes I get a little down that I wasted so much of my life on the New Age Woo. Sprigs of embarrassment hit here and there, but overall I am doing much better now.
If anyone is like me, who takes things seriously in any matter they are interested, and try to follow the rules and do it “just right” I encourage you to take a step back. Who is making these rules? Are you exhausted? Are you sad? Do you feel defeated all the time? Maybe the red flag needs to be raised- NEW AGE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM