Signs from the universe?

Somewhere along the way, in all my reading and research in new age spiritual texts, whether it was Sylvia Browne in my teens, Abraham Hicks in my 20’s, or another Hay House author.. I got the notion that life gives you signs, and if you follow them, your dreams will come true. I thought that everything had meaning and everything was a sign.

If I saw a hummingbird in New Jersey- you bet I was googling “what’s the spiritual meaning of a hummingbird”. If someone gave me a book, I thought it meant that a message within it would lead me to the next clue in life. If I saw someone reading a book on the NYC subway, there was probably a reason I noticed it, and I should read it.
If someone mentioned a spiritual intuitive, or modality to try, I thought it was a sign from God to sign up, buy a session, etc.

I thought life was just a treasure hunt, and if I ignored the clues, I would go off my life course. (you know when you’re a soul, before you’re born and you make a loose outline of your upcoming life- what if I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do??!)

That scared me. What if I went off course, and then (the seemingly worst thing) I would have to reincarnate and do life again. I must follow the signs.

But now I wonder if following everything that was presented me or came my way, has actually led me off course. I wasn’t using my own intuition. I allowed outside forces to tell me what the next step was. My brain was easily hypnotized by the books I read and thought were the authority on life… I allowed these “spiritual” texts to form the way I perceived life, because no one else was telling me how to navigate this thing called a human existence.

I kept chasing and wasting time on “signs", and then sit alone in my apartment feeling like my life has wasted away. Nothing I dreamed of has “manifested”. “Signs” and synchronicities have led me nowhere. And people telling me not to plan things (“jess, go with the flow”), have led to some exhausting and miserable solo vacations, where I tried to just see where the days led me.

I sometimes think back at a decision I made when I went to college in Rhode Island, hated it, and in 3 months told my parents I wanted to re-apply to the college in New York and move back. I try to remember what that felt like. That big NO. That intuition of “I don’t care if you’re mad, this is so wrong for me”.

How do I get back to just knowing, and unlearning all the new-age spiritual BS I have read? How do I get back to myself with at least 10 years of filling my head with misleading information, though with my good intentions of wanting to figure out this human life.

What made me feel so lost in my teens and so easily captivated by television psychics. What made me trust and buy into to it all so easily.

All I know is this treasure hunt through life has felt more like a labyrinth. And not the fun meditation kind.. the corn maze kind.

I wonder if the people who write those spiritual books say certain things to keep you in a loop of searching so you have to buy more.

For now, I am not going to look into everything that comes my way without discernment and introspection around it. I wanted to believe in magic, but I know now it’s just not real or helpful. I am slowly pulling myself out of what I love to say is my “invisible new age cult” that I got myself into, that everyone thought was just “my thing”, encouraged it, entertained it, even supported it. ​